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WARNING: CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE
...................................
Paul Gascoigne (aka Gazza)
1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and Chris
Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots included.
2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: "Church
Of England."
3) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to the
Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of
Russ Abbot.
4) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting team
line-ups with footage of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius
led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'f***ing w***ker.'
Broadcasters across the world had to use it all the way through the tournament.
5) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony
Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.
6) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped enthusiastically
into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.
7) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the
hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton.'
8) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the
infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.
9) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack Charlton,
spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to give him a
lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw all but the rod out
into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped
in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a whopper.
Lesson over.
10) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish.
When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef.
11) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston, then
told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.
12) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and caused
£310,000 worth of damage.
13) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly boozer
couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five
seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.
14) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies'
room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."
15) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by
playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.
16) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the
slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought
he'd committed suicide.
17) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery
"Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers."
18) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13 that he
couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination
of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.
19) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh."
20) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his
four-wheel drive Jeep.
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